Peanut Gallery
by Indubitably Cynical
Summary: Jack and Kate have a dramatic conversation in the jungle while an amused Sayid and Juliet look on. Jate, implied Jacket, and Anti'Ship


**Note: **Sayid and Juliet are _painfully_ out of character in this story, probably because they're not actually Sayid and Juliet, they're the _peanut gallery_, aka me. "Jaters" will love this if they read it as a fluff story, and "Jate" haters will love this if they read it as a satire. Hell, even "Jacketeers" might take some interest. This is really a fic for anti-shippers, though.

**Summary: **Sayid and Juliet witness a melodramatic conversation between Jack and Kate

**Time frame: **During that one scene in S3EP16 "One of Us"

**Pairings outside the triangle: **only references

**Rating: **TV-14

**An Ideal Soap: The Inevitable Peanut Gallery**

Juliet scrubbed at the filth on her skin and Sayid watched. He wanted to hate her, because she was an Other, and Shannon's death had been at the hands of her people. But the way she carried herself, coupled with her icy stare and emotionless tone of voice, all made him feel a grudging sort of respect for her stoicism. So he reserved judgment.

"I understand that you must be furious with me," she said to him, cupping water in her hands and splashing her face. "But now's not the time. You need something to take your mind off of things, I think."

"Really?" Sayid pronounced, studying her. There seemed to be a faint smile in her eyes, if nowhere else.

"If you need a good laugh, take a walk up the hill to where your friends Jack and Kate are gathering firewood. I suspect that they are about to have an explosively hilarious, awkward conversation."

"Why would you suspect that?" Sayid asked, folding his arms, truly baffled at the humor on her face. It certainly did not seem the time for lightheartedness.

"Trust me," she said.

Sayid found his attention engaged, and followed the strange woman up the hill, darting behind the same tree as her to watch the promised conversation unfold.

"You wanna talk about it?" Kate asked Jack.

"What's there to talk about?" he replied, continuing to break firewood under his feet. Sayid already sensed the tension hovering in the air between these individuals.

"You were with them for a week."

Jack looked at her. "So were you, remember?" he said. "They used you to make me perform surgery on Ben? There was an aquarium? Some animal cages?" Sayid did not recognize Jack's tone as anything he had ever heard from the man before. He sounded cold, resentful. And it was even stranger hearing it while he was talking to Kate. "Did _you_ manage to learn anything about them?"

She was silent for a moment or two. "No, I guess not. They're into mind games, I know that much."

A cynical, angry snort. "That's for sure. And they got us good. Both of us."

Kate looked at him questioningly, head tilted slightly to the side as she walked nearer to him. "Ben's a master at mind games, Jack, don't beat yourself up," she said gently, laying a hand on his shoulder.

He flinched away from her, and that was probably when Sayid realized that the relationship between these two had changed, an irreparable rift opening between them. "Don't, Kate." He turned away from her angrily, snapping yet another piece of firewood, although the two had obviously collected more than enough.

"Don't what?" she demanded. "Don't try to make you feel better?"

He turned back around, and Sayid saw a frightening rage blazing in the other man's eyes. "Don't you dare act like an innocent little girl," he growled. "It's insulting, to me and to yourself."

"What do you want me to say, Jack?" she said, and Sayid saw tears in her eyes. "Goddamn it, what do you want from me?"

Jack strode up to her and grabbed her shoulder with a strong hand. "I want you to tell me why. Why you came back for me, why you tried to rescue me even when I said not to. And I want the truth. None of this crap about thinking that I wanted you to come after me, because you knew I would never want you to put yourself in harm's way for me. Why do you think I did the surgery?"

She was actually crying now as his voice rose to a shout. "I came back because I care about you!" she said, trembling. Sayid rolled his eyes. This was getting predictable.

"Bullshit," Jack hissed, still gripping her shoulder. "You came back because you felt guilty. But there's no need for guilt. I don't care about—about what I saw you do." The pained expression on his face indicated otherwise. "I just wish you wouldn't pretend anymore."

"Okay," she said, yanking herself away from him. "Okay, you want it out in the open? You want me to stop pretending?" She spread her arms. "I had sex with Sawyer. And you saw it on a security camera. You saw it and, for some reason, seeing us made you do the surgery on Ben. Happy? Now we both know that we both know."

Sayid looked at Juliet, who smiled at him impishly. "I've missed TV," she whispered, almost inaudibly. Sayid couldn't help but nod.

"And you admitting it is supposed to fool me into thinking that you still care?" Jack said cruelly. "I'm done being an option, Kate. I'm done being the guy you go to when you don't feel like being with Sawyer. I'm done being wrapped around your finger."

"You wanna know why I slept with him, Jack?" she asked, advancing on him. "For some reason, he cares deeply enough for me to give up his life. They were going to kill him. I figured I'd give him one last thing to be happy about."

Jack laughed at that, bitterly. "Oh, you think he really cares about you?" He continued laughing, the terrible grin on his face anything but humorous. "Do you know why Ana Lucia and Libby are dead? They're dead because he traded his gun for a lay. They're dead because he was horny, and Ana offered him relief. You gonna tell me he loved her as well?"

At that, Sayid raised his eyebrows. Things were getting interesting.

Kate stepped backwards, the look on her face one that can only be projected by a jilted woman. "What?" she whispered.

"Surprised?" Jack chuckled again. "Did you honestly think him capable of caring for anything or anyone but himself?"

"I don't believe you," she said, taking another step away from him.

"He told me himself. Rubbing it in my face. Son of a bitch was shaken up by her death though, I'll give him that. Probably 'cause he realized what could happen to him if he wasn't careful. And now he decided to screw you as well, just to add insult to injury. It's a revenge trip on his part. He hates the world, hates me. So he tries his damnedest to piss me off as much as he can."

"That's so damn egotistical of you, I don't even know how to respond," she retorted angrily. "You think everything Sawyer does is calculated with you in mind?"

"You're dodging the issue, Kate. This isn't about Sawyer's motivations."

"Then it's not about what Sawyer did with Ana Lucia, either. But you seem to think that that has something to do with you and me, seeing as you were the one who brought it up." Tears were streaking down Kate's face, her blue-green eyes shining wetly. "I don't want to fight with you anymore, Jack."

"We don't have to," Jack said coldly, turning his back on her. "We can pretend that nothing ever happened."

"Shut up and stop trying to be an asshole, it doesn't suit you!" Kate shouted, suddenly fiercely angry. "Are you gonna alienate me? Tell yourself that you never cared, that we never had _anything_?"

"I've never told myself that," he whispered, so Sayid had to strain to hear him. "But _this_," he faced her again, gesturing between the two of them, "is over. I can't look at you without seeing him as well, and I can't see him without getting angry. I imagine that would make engaging in any sort of relationship a challenge."

"So that's it, then?"

"I would be lying if I told you that I never cared about you," Jack said, clearly past his anger and transitioning into sadness. "Seeing you on that monitor was like pulling a dagger out of a wound. I was bleeding badly for awhile, but it's been bandaged, wrapped up tight, and now I'm healed."

"Oh, I'm a _wound,_ then? And the bandage is your new pal Juliet, who dragged me into the jungle and handcuffed me to her in order to _gain my trust_?" Sayid felt rather than heard as Juliet chuckled mirthlessly next to him.

"If you wanna continue that metaphor, sure, why not? In case you've forgotten, Juliet saved your life."

"Yeah, and she brought _you_ grilled-cheese sandwiches. That of course makes her trustworthy."

"I'm all for having a mature discussion, Kate, but if you're gonna make this about Juliet, then we're done."

Jack turned and began heading to where Sayid and Juliet were hiding. Sayid almost panicked, but Juliet kept him still with a gentle pressure on his arm. Sure enough, Kate wasn't finished.

"You had sex with her, didn't you," she said, not a question, but an accusation.

"If I did, does it really matter?" Jack said exasperatedly, but he halted nonetheless. Sayid looked at Juliet, who was finally showing a hint of emotion, lips curved in a malicious smile. He raised an eyebrow. She nodded.

"Ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome, Jack? You're a doctor, you must have. It's dangerous. It deludes the prisoner into thinking that his or her captors mean well. And you yourself agreed with me, these people are brilliant at mind games."

"Wait a minute, Kate. Just so I'm not getting the wrong idea here, are you _jealous_?" Sayid couldn't help it. He laughed. Silently, but a laugh all the same, and exchanged a smile with the blonde woman standing on his right. "I mean, did I _say_ that I had slept with Juliet?"

"No," she said, and Sayid thought that she very much resembled a petulant little girl.

"'Cause I did. Yesterday, actually, right before you lot showed up. On my kitchen counter. And you know what? It wasn't about you." The way he said it made Sayid's neck hair prickle, it was so angry. "You want it out in the open? There you go."

Meanwhile, Juliet nudged Sayid and whispered "It _so_ was."

Kate stood there in silent shock. Sayid wondered briefly how many times Jack was planning on breaking the poor girl's heart in the space of one conversation. "Okay Jack. I get it. You're done with me." Now she sounded strangely flat, crestfallen, resigned.

Suddenly Juliet moved, stepped out into the open. "Oh for the love of _God_, you two!" she said, throwing her hands up in frustration. Jack and Kate turned to look at her, horrified. Sayid figured he might as well come out of hiding as well, following Juliet as she approached. "_You slept with Sawyer! Well you slept with Juliet! Sawyer slept with Ana Lucia, and oh by the way, Sun slept with Jin, while we're keeping up on gossip, nyah nyah, screw you!_" she falsettoed. Sayid wondered briefly if she had caught this alleged island disease and was going insane. "Seriously, get over yourselves. You'll save your friends back at your camp a whole lot of drama if you just kiss and make up now."

The silence stretched among them. Sayid's traitorous nose let loose a snort, though, an amused snort. At that, Juliet broke down into hysterics, clutching herself and laughing, and Sayid joined her. Jack and Kate still did not look particularly amused, but Sayid couldn't help it. For the first time in actual years, he had dissolved into a fit of giggling, and alongside a woman who represented the very embodiment of evil for him.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Jack asked Juliet accusingly, and she looked up again at him, tears of mirth in her eyes.

"Nothing. Look, forget what happened with us yesterday, okay? I won't be offended if you choose Kate over me. You and I both know that it wasn't about attachments. Even if it were, hell, I'd appreciate it if you would. Again, it'll save us all a lot of drama."

A long moment in which Sayid attempted to control his laughing, as Jack and Kate looked at one other. Then, much to everyone's relief, the two of them hugged each other, Jack placing a tender kiss on Kate's forehead.

"I'm so sorry. I said terrible things," Jack whispered into her hair.

"Me too," Kate replied, arms slung around his neck. "Me too."

"Okay, now that that's all worked out, shall we set up camp?" Juliet said bluntly, intruding blatantly on the moment. "If you guys wanna screw each other, please wait until Sayid and I get away."

"Nah, I'm not sure we're ready for that," Jack said, keeping his arm tightly around Kate anyway.

The four of them hiked back down the hill to where they had left their things. As Jack and Kate remained enamoured with one another, Juliet crept back over to Sayid and lowered her voice.

"This probably isn't a good time to mention that Kate's pregnant with Sawyer's baby, huh?"

He managed not to chuckle. "I do not think that would go over well at this point."

"If we ever get off the island, I'm _so_ writing a Soap."


End file.
